Butter Side Down

So, Oh Best Beloved, how goes your New Year?

Ours has been… well, odd, so far at least. Which is why there has been a dearth of posting.

On January 2nd a booklet arrived at our abode from the U.S. Census Bureau, which turned out to be the 2007 USDA annual Census of Agriculture. A cover letter instructed us that we should fill it out immediately and provide, under severest penalties of federal law (with punishment presumably delivered by three large club-carrying underpaid and crabby demographers), a complete enumeration of all our pigs, cows, horses, mules, sheep, goats, chickens, turkeys, ducks, llamas, emu and all other assortied beasties. We then were to list every crop we had grown (or tried to grow) in the last year, down to the last mustard seed.

Um… We don’t own a farm.

Nowhere in this nice thick official document did a place exist to politely say, “We do not and never have owned one whit of agricultural land, nor do we own, produce or harbor any livestock. You’ve made a mistake.”

I’ve dutifully sent the form back, properly (and politely) pointing out the error in the nice large white space the Census Bureau provided for comments and address corrections. We’ll see how this evolves. I am not optimistic that the error which classified our little residential lot and dwelling as a farm will be easily remedied, given the bureaucracy that spawned the error in the first place.

*sigh*

That was on the 2nd.

Next we had storms. Major storms. Snow storms, you say? Nope. We had thunderstorms - a rather startling event for early January in northeast Wisconsin.

I was not the least bit thrilled by the deluge of hail that accompanied two hours of lightning and torrential rain. Yes, that is hail on the driveway - not snow - which pounded down on our cars, to my utter dismay. Fortunately, nothing was damaged.

Two F3 tornadoes formed from this system, well south of us. This is only the second time since the 1840s that tornadoes have occurred in Wisconsin in January, making this a very rare event indeed. My heart goes out to the many families who lost their homes in a little town called Wheatland.

Since then we’ve had a plethora of equally odd instances, most related to annoying time-consuming errors made by service providers (which have left me wondering how companies stay in business nowadays).

A rather determined invasion of my living space by a smallish white-tan spider has, however, given me a daily chuckle. She pops up at the most unexpected moments and shouts “Boo!” (if you’ve ever been startled by a spider you know what I’m talking about). She’s also caused me to screech with surprise several times when I have accidentally picked her up, thinking she was a little ball of white fuzz. For those of you who haven’t ever experienced a troublesome and fearless spider playing games, here’s a cleaning hint: fuzzballs should not feel rubbery or wiggle when you pick them up.

Here she is, laying claim to my yogurt container - at breakfast, mind you, when I am at my bleariest and most easily startled by eight-legged intruders.

I expect I’ll find her next doing the backstroke in my glass wine.

I’ll keep you posted.

Last week, on Sarah’s blog, I found an interesting list - a meme, really - of ‘life experiences’.

According to this list, I must be a stick-in-the-mud homebody, as I haven’t been inside the Great Pyramid, visited Paris, backpacked in Europe, visited more foreign countries than U.S. states, gone on an African photo safari, taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country, gone to Thailand, ridden a gondola in Venice, visited the Great Wall of China, visited Japan, walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa, visited Ireland, danced with a stranger in a foreign country, or visited all 7 continents.

So much for foreign travel.

How about swimming with wild dolphins, whale watching, cuddling a tarantula, visiting all 50 states, rafting the Snake River, taking a trip in a hot air balloon or going rock climbing? Have I climbed a mountain, taken a Ferrari for a test drive, taken a candlelit bath with someone, bungee jumped, touched an iceberg, bet on a winning horse, asked out a stranger, or held a lamb?

Huh. I haven’t done any of those, either. The closest I’ve come to any of them is rounding up an escaped ewe that was well past her lamb days.

*Sigh*

Well, have I danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking? Adopted an accent for an entire day? Stolen a sign, gone sky diving, pretended to be a superhero, sung karaoke, gone scuba diving, started a business, taken a martial arts class, been in a movie, crashed a party, gotten divorced, won first prize in a costume contest, gotten a tattoo, been on a television news program as an “expert,” been to Las Vegas, or eaten shark?

Nope. Haven’t done any of these either.

So, what else have I missed? Well, I haven’t performed in Rocky Horror, followed my favorite band/singer on tour, written articles for a large publication, lost over 100 pounds, held someone while they were having a flashback, piloted an airplane, touched a stingray, won money on a T.V. game show, had a facial part pierced other than my ears, had a snake as a pet, hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days, eaten kangaroo meat, gone back to school, parasailed, selected one “important” author who I missed in school, and read their works, been elected to public office, written my own computer language, thought to yourself that I’m living my dream, had to put someone I love into hospice care, sold my own artwork to someone who didn’t know me, had a booth at a street fair, dyed my hair, been a DJ, shaved my head or caused a car accident.

While I’m at it, I haven’t been heartbroken longer than I was actually in love, had two hard drives for my computer, gone without food for 5 days, been on a cruise ship, survived an accident that I shouldn’t have survived, had plastic surgery, picked up and moved to another city to just start over, walked the Golden Gate Bridge, killed and prepared an animal for eating or skipped all my school reunions and I’ve never hit a home run. Oh, and I’ve never bought everyone in a bar a round of drinks, which isn’t surprising as I haven’t been in a bar in decades, and frequented them rarely even in my university days.

Okaaaaaaay.. so just what have I done, given that my life’s experiences to date include none of the aforementioned (I’ve always wanted to find a use for that word!) items from that dratted list?

I’ve had a food fight. Hasn’t everyone who has tried to convince a toddler to try new vegetables?

I’ve said, “I love you,” and meant it (well, duh!).

Have I hugged a tree? Indeed I have, back in my college years, after imbibing more Yukon Jack than was wise and following that indiscretion with an unfortunate chaser of greasy fries. Since those days, I’ve discovered that grease and alcohol are not part of any recommended food group. Who would have thought?

I’ve watched many a glorious lighting storm, stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise, and have seen the magnificent display of the Northern Lights several times.

Have I gone to a huge sports game? Absolutely! Can we say ‘Lambeau Field’ and ‘Green Bay Packers?’ Go Pack! I’ve also been to Milwaukee Brewers’ games and Detroit Tigers’ games. I’ve gone to many a college sports event, too, including football games at the University of Michigan, Michigan State University and the University of Wisconsin. I’ve even screeched like a bloodthirsty idiot at Badger hockey games, once I figured out what was going on.

Is there anything else on this list I can claim as part of my history?

*Deep breath*

Ready?

I’ve grown and eaten my own vegetables (yum), slept under the stars (isn’t that called camping?), changed a baby’s diaper (more times than I care to count), watched a meteor shower (love doing that!), looked up at the night sky through a telescope (not surprising, as I worked during my undergraduate years for the department of astronomy and astrophysics at a Big Ten university), had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (oh my, yes, and been glared at by the astounded Bishop for said event), had a snowball fight (Whap! Gottcha!), seen a total eclipse (sun and moon both), ridden a roller coaster (Wahooo!), actually felt happy about myself, taken care of someone who was drunk, had (and have) amazing friends, taken a road-trip, gone on a midnight walk on the beach, sat at a stranger’s table in a restaurant and had a meal with them, milked a cow, alphabetized my CDs (only briefly), lounged around in bed all day (you’ve got to be kidding - there is someone who hasn’t?), played touch football, kissed in the rain, played in the mud and in the rain, gone to a drive-in theater, toured ancient sites (including the archeological dig more commonly known as ‘my desk’), played D&D for more than 6 hours straight, gotten married, made cookies from scratch (yummmmm!), gotten flowers for no reason, performed on stage, recorded music, bought a house, buried one of my parents, passed out cold (no, it wasn’t from drinking - it was from a whack on the head), sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop even when I knew someone was looking, and helped an animal give birth.

Need a breather? Me too…

OK. Now, what else have I managed to experience over the years?

Well, I’ve broken a bone (several, actually), fired a rifle, shotgun, and a pistol, eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild, ridden a horse (many, actually, and owned a lovely Morgan mare who was a member of our family until her death at age 29), had major surgery, slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours, eaten sushi, had my picture in the newspaper, touched a cockroach (now that takes me back to our second apartment at the University’s married housing, which was absolutely infested with the little critters), read The Iliad and the Odyssey, communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (doesn’t everyone who drives a car in a big city discover that they have this skill, regardless of their native language or ethnicity?), and I’ve built my own PC from parts.

Whew.

So… how about you, Oh Best Beloved? What have — or haven’t — you done?

Since Kris tagged me for a Christmas meme that is identical to one I posted last year, I thought I’d entertain myself and write a new meme.

Here ’tis.

Q: How come no one calls Mrs. Claus fat? Or says that about The Man himself?

A: I’m guessing the answer is coal - lots o’ coal - for insulting the Jolly One’s wife.

Q: Do you decorate the outside of your home for Christmas?

A: A tad - just a wreath this year, so far. It’s probably good that I can’t get out there and do any decorating, or I’d be hiring a cherry picker to help me string a few thousands watts around the property. I love seeing outdoor Christmas decorations, and the more lights, the better. Dolly Parton, the queen of tasteful excess, is my hero in this philosophy; remember - more is better!

Q: Have you ever gone Christmas caroling?

A: Oh, definitely! Started the habit in high school, when my German teacher, Frau Tangert, organized a caroling eve every year, complete with caroling through some neighborhoods and a party at her home afterwards, with all the home-baked cookies and German pastries you could eat. Yum!

Q: What do you think about the impropriety of the city of Green Bay allowing a nativity scene at a government office?

A: And what impropriety would that be? They’re encouraging residents to provide representations of all holidays celebrated this time of year. When did it become essential to exclude in order to be inclusive? Sheesh. The US Postal Service has a Kwanzaa stamp, and one with a menorah, as well as a Madonna and Child stamp. I haven’t heard that the stamp drawers in local post offices are spontaneously combusting because of some sort of violent energy generated by the three stamps co-existing in the same physical space within a U.S. government office. Works for me.

Q: What do you think of reindeer?

A: I think they’re delicious (just kidding… )

Q: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

A: Aha! A trick question! I was waiting for one of these… of course it’s a Christmas movie! Who could watch that movie, and not think Christmas?

Q: What’s your favorite Christmas song?

A. Hard to say, as I love most of ‘em, from Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer to the Christmas-y parts of Handel’s Messiah. The old Harry Simone Choir versions of The Little Drummer Boy and Do You Hear What I Hear are my sentimental favorites, as they come from the first record album I ever owned.

Q: What do you think of Christmas memes?

A: Why, I love ‘em! Really. I do… wait, what’s that? Santa? Oh NO! What are you doing? … You’re stuffing my stocking full of coal??? STOP! Noooooooooooo!!!

*sigh*

Oh, well. I have to look at the bright side. At least we’ll be warm this Christmas!

I’ve wondered, off and on, how readers find their way to this blog. Some, of course, are friends and family that I cajoled (browbeat… threatened… begged… bribed… strong-armed… does there seem to be a trend here?) into looking at it. Others have found their way here through other blogs, such as The Flight Deck, Ugly Overload and the Daily Bunny. A regular trickle comes in from the links on my website.

Many more make their way here from Google, usually based on the results of keyword searches that make sense to me, such as “butter side down” or “baby bunny,” as those phrases appear here.

Sometimes, however, I’d love to know just what situation spurred the searcher into making their Google search in the first place.

Take, for example, this search, which sent someone here earlier in the week: “fired field mouse.”

What was happening in the background that led the searcher to google that particular phrase? Did a mouse do a really lousy job of chomping its way into someone’s cupboard, and its friends are trying to find out what happened to it after it got fired from its job as Chief Cupboard Chewer? Or, perhaps, was our searcher looking for information on a ballistic mouse - one that got fired out of a little miniature mouse canon whilst garmented in a teeny tiny shiny helmet and lots of spangled latex? Is it, instead, that I’ve missed the name of a new singer, the Fired Field Mouse and his Five Cheeses? Or is someone considering a Cajun dish I’m not familiar with (and certainly don’t want to try), along the lines of “blackened field mouse?”

So many possibilities!

And… just how does asking about a fired field mouse lead Google’s search engine to send the searcher here?

It’s a puzzlement!

But… it’s one that keeps me amused.

So, how was your Turkey Day, Oh Best Beloved? We broke with tradition, and had salmon for our main dish, instead of turkey. I made parfaits for dessert, each created with fat dollops of thick heavy cream that we whip ourselves, sandwiched between layers of freshly-made warm apple compote and crumbled Pamela’s pecan shortbread cookies, then drizzled with real maple syrup. We only make them three times a year (Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter), as they have an alarming number of calories and fat in each serving. They’re lovely to indulge in on special occasions, but more than that and I’d be waddling off to a cardiologist to schedule a triple coronary bypass delux.

The afternoon was spent visiting a county park we’d never seen before, and it turned out to be delightful. We saw several does, a gorgeous sunset, and this sign:

It made us chuckle as we talked about how much we enjoy living in a place where one can pay for items on the honor system. Park entry fees for county and state parks are handled this way, when it’s ‘after hours.’ You put your money for any park fees in an envelope, drop the envelope into a locked pipe or mailbox, and drive into the park. Even local farmers have produce stands by the front entryway of their farms that are unattended. You pick out your fruit and vegetables, total up what you owe from the prices listed on the hand-printed chalkboard wedged in between the goodies, and leave your payment in the cash box that’s sitting there. The unwritten rule: you make your own change, and you don’t take anything that isn’t yours.

By the by, most of the time around here the honor system works. On Thanksgiving Day, when we saw this sign, we realized that we’ve grown accustomed to living in a place where that’s the norm, instead of the exception.

For that, I am truly thankful.

P.S. Yes, that’s our Goose pictured at the top. As always, when it comes to Goose: don’t ask. Just enjoy.