Back on December 17th, 2006, the New York Times ran a set of questions that couples “Should Ask Or Wish They Had [Asked] Before Marrying. ” Three weeks later, it’s still one of the most popular articles emailed out from the NYT website.
I finally read it, and discovered that I need a city-to-rural translator to wade my way through it.
For example, their first question for prospective couples is, “Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?”
Primary care giver?
*puzzled scratching of head*
We don’t have “primary care givers” out here in the heartland. We have “parents.” It’s an old fashioned, (and apparently politically incorrect) term that us hayseeds use for adults who have children. And parents, surprise, surprise, “take care” of their children - it’s sort of a package deal. You have ‘em, and you take care of ‘em. Amazingly, this untidy system has worked for generations, even though it isn’t perfect.
Question 3 wasn’t much clearer. It asks, “Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?”
“Manage” the chores? A ‘chore’ in our little neck of the woods runs the gamut from dusting out Granny’s beloved pressed glass cake plate before sliding a freshly baked layer cake onto it, to crawling into the guts of the barn cleaner when a 600 pound glob of frozen manure bollixes up the works. One doesn’t “manage” a quarter ton of frozen manure. One pick-axes the rather fragrant mess out, and hopes the job gets finished before the next blankety-blank “chore” erupts. And did anyone discuss with the horse our “expectations” that it wouldn’t get sick before we spent Sunday afternoon doctoring its colic attack? From personal experience, I can wholeheartedly tell you that a horse with a belly ache doesn’t care a fig about “expectations” or who the pre-nup says is supposed to empty the dishwasher after breakfast.
Then there was question 4: “Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?”
DUH! What do big city folks gossip about nowadays? In the hinterlands, everyone knows every aliment you’ve had, in all its glory. And if you don’t know that Doc Higgins had to call up the pharmacist way over there in Big City to get fancy new blue pills for Jimmy T after he was walking around Hardware Hanks again last Tuesday, talking to the dandelions, then you’ve been spending too much time underground digging that second bedroom for your bomb shelter.
Now Question 5, “Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?” left me especially puzzled. Everyone knows that the only thing a man needs is a wife that shows up naked, so why ask the obvious?
Question 12 seemed to be a mite ticklish. “What does my family do that annoys you?” Wouldn’t it be easier to just shove a stick in a hornet’s nest than open that can of worms? Do you really want to pit the fact that your future beloved’s cheek-pinching Aunt drives you batty against the way your own Uncle Fred toots out “shave and a haircut” at every barbecue, and dreams of the day he’ll make it onto the “Tonight Show” with his talent?
The last question, number 15, was the final stumper: “Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?”
Isn’t that what “for better or for worse” means?
*Sigh*
I guess, after thirty years of living away from a Big City, I’ve truly turned into a country bumpkin.
Thank God.
